In order for any communication to take place there are two vital players; the speaker and the listener. At the point where these two meet, a conversation begins.
In our infancy we learned how to speak and in school we spent years studying how to read and write. However, listening is sorely neglected, the assumption being that hearing equates to listening. It is quite easy to join writing workshops and speaking seminars. However, you will be hard-pressed to find classes focused on training you to listen in a way that helps you truly and thoroughly understand others.
Yet listening is an essential life skill. Studies suggest that we can spend between 70 and 80 percent of our waking hours in some form of communication broken down into 9 percent writing, 16 percent reading, 30 percent speaking, and 45 percent listening.
We all remember times when we are engaged in a conversation and something the other person says triggers a memory of a similar experience. At this stage we usually switch off; our listening is perfunctory at best. We are waiting for the speaker to finish so that we can relate the conversation to ourselves and our personal incident, listening just enough in order to reply. At this lowest level of listening, the focus is entirely on ourselves as we filter what we are hearing through our own experiences and beliefs, evaluating, judging and jumping to conclusions.
This is because in any interaction, most people seek to be understood. As they half listen they are preparing their defence, so to speak. Their primary intention is to make their point even if that entails ignoring the other person entirely, faking listening, interrupting, selectively hearing certain parts of the conversation or attentively focusing on keywords that are relevant for their response, only to miss the true essence of the communication.
When we are the speaker, however, it just doesn't feel that good to be listened to so poorly. If you feel great after you had a conversation it's probably because you did most of the talking.
“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” - George Bernard Shaw
But it doesn't have to be that way. There are other ways to listen. In fact, three levels of listening have been identified. It is difficult to be able to operate at the highest level all the time. We tend to function at a lower level when we are tired, under pressure, or underestimate the value of the communication.
Level 1 listening peaks during arguments or disagreements especially if emotions are running high. It is also where we remain when we don't have sufficient respect for the speaker or when we are distracted by something we deem more important.
At Level 2, we make a concerted effort to really understand the speaker. Here, we focus directly on the other person, concentrating hard to assimilate the information presented. We use an arsenal of techniques, processing information, analysing data and forming conclusions. At this stage communication is good but it is hard work.
In a healthy conversation, there will be a shift back and forwards between Level 1 and Level 2 listening, depending on your role in the interaction and bearing in mind that when you are listening at Level 1, your focus is on yourself and your problems.
Level 3 is far less work than Level 2 but a difficult level to attain. Excellent listeners and professionals are able to listen at this global level absorbing a wide range of information almost seamlessly and allowing their understanding to emerge gradually. The rest of us spend very little time there unless we have close rapport and great interest in the speaker.
Incredibly, a study done at Stanford University found that nine out of ten conversations miss their mark. In other words, 90% of the time, the message that a person is trying to communicate to another person is misinterpreted.
“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure that you realise that what you heard is not what I meant." - Pentagon spokesman, Robert McCloskey
That suggests that we still have a great deal of work to do if we hope to improve our listening skills. Imagine how much conflict could be avoided and anguish spared both on a micro and macro level, if we would just take the time to genuinely listen.
A strategy that will help you raise the level of your listening significantly is to learn to temporarily divest yourself of your own ideals, beliefs, values and biases. This is fundamental to acquiring excellent listening skills. When you are able to shift the focus so that the communication is about the other person, then you are truly listening. When attempting to remove yourself from the equation, use imagery as an aid. You can visualise yourself actually extricating ideas, opinions and judgments from your head. With practice you will get used to turning off your inner dialogue or at least lowering the volume.
Be aware that even after removing them from the equation, your own beliefs, values, opinions, assumptions and judgments have formed you and are necessary aids to help you analyse and comprehend. Existing at some level in your subconscious, they shape your understanding of the speaker's experience.
As you search for these thoughts in order to remove them, you will learn to recognise them in their distinct forms. This will allow you to determine if you are relating autobiographically. If so, the first step is to acknowledge what you are doing, then release that thought as the only possible response and continue to listen from an unbiased vantage point.
It is only once you have reached this stage of not being part of the process that you can intentionally bring your own experiences back from an outside place if you feel it will help the other person feel understood.
You have learned an important listening strategy here. Ultimately good listening is a function of attitude. Now that you are more aware, start paying attention to your level of listening and next time you communicate, ask yourself if that is the level at which you truly wish to be.
You can learn more about the 3 levels of listening, the 9 worst listening habits and the 5 step formula to excellent communication in Coaching Casual.
Discussion point. What is your level of listening in general?
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